First Step Into Swinging:

Swinging is really a Lifestyle Choice, not just an action....
If you're thinking of joining us in this lifestyle there are truths to understand and accept.  Those beginners who embrace these truths succeed.  Those who don't fail.

True Lifestyle Swinging is a couples activity.  It requires that both individuals be comfortable with the concept and each other.  Swinging without your partner's knowledge is NOT Swinging, it's cheating. Traditional Swinging is about relationships, mine, yours and ours.  The SEX is just gravy. Before you can start to get involved in swinging, you must first confront some of your personal insecurities.

Are you secure in your knowledge that your partner loves you ?

If not, you're headed for trouble.  How are you going to deal with it when your partner is having sex with another and they start really screaming their head off, especially if they haven't screamed like that in years?  In the swing world, there is NO double standard.  Don't expect to enjoy others and not have others enjoy your partner.  It doesn't work that way.  If the thought of me having sex with your wife or my partner having sex with your husband gets to you, then you're not ready.

Another issue  you must confront is, what happens if my wife (or husband) adapts faster and enjoys swinging more than I do?  Can you deal with that?  If you're secure in your relationship, the answer is 'yes', because you'll know that no matter how much fun they are having with another, you're still her (his) one love.

It is in our nature as human beings to learn and grow.  Even if we marry, we are still evolving as people.  Sometimes we begin to look for more in our lives than what we have been experiencing on a day-to-day basis.  Sexuality is an important part of the human condition.  Without erotic thought, fantasy and actions, we are not whole.  The same can be said for most serious relationships:  If the sex is no longer interesting, the rest of the relationship will eventually suffer.

Let it be understood that problems in other areas of a relationship can negatively affect the sex in a relationship as well.  Let me remind you that for the purpose of this series of essays, I will assume other areas of your relationship are functional.  If not, then you need to confront the problem and work on the issue first, before entering the Lifestyle.

In the traditional Christian/Judeo mind set, one cannot love thy partner and physically enjoy someone else.  In western society as a whole, we are conditioned to believe that if you screw someone else it means you are unfulfilled in your marriage or you no longer love your partner.   This is not always true.  When your partner approaches you with the idea of swinging, the one thing you should not do is look at it from the perspective of infidelity (affair).   The views points, mental processes and perspectives involved in swing relationships are not the same nor can be regarded as the same as if your partner was to have an affair.

 

The fact that you desire new sexual adventures does not have to end your relationship.  In the west, our society is so wrapped up in the concept of fidelity (which, ladies, was invented by men to control women),		it misses a greater truth about being human. Instead, I feel it places everyone in the same box: Here step into this ideal of what a marriage or relationship is, even if it doesn't fit you.  It also seems to glorify insecurity.
Insecurity is one of my personal definitions for the word "infidelity."

Women are often overwhelmed and bewildered by the swinging lifestyle.  For many women, the concept of having sex with another couple does not validate her primary relationship.  Often, a female's first pre-programmed reaction is to question what's wrong with her relationship.  A man's reaction is often different - for him it can be a question of masculinity. As a rule women have serious issues with their partner having "sex" with another. Yet men as a group often have less of an issue with this concept and many find it (the thought of watching their partner with another) sexually arousing.  This psycho-emotional difference has its roots not only in our biology but within our socialization as well.

Men are socialized to separate sex and love. Where as women are socialized to combine them. Disguised within the constructs of our society are a series of double standards, control games and intentional acts of sexual suppression against women. If a man expresses his sexuality he's a "stud", if a women does the same she's a "slut". Terms like "boys will be boys" and "good girls don't" are all part of the sociological programming and control games to keep women sexually in line.
 
Within the Lifestyle a woman, man or couple can rid themselves of such oppressive constructs and openly explore to a limited degree their individual or collect sexuality.Make no mistake, swinging is really a lifestyle choice, not just an action.In our society, when you marry, one of the indirect messages received is, "I own you".  As of now you will never need anyone else because as you grow, I will meet every need you have.  Therefore, you will never have need for anyone else."  I'm sure many can live happily within this fanciful monogamy box.  However, I can't, and neither can the approximately ten million swingers in this country. There is nothing wrong with exploring your sexuality be you man or woman.

It is human nature for people to grow and change. Often when one informs their partner they have an interest in the lifestyle, the informed party out of fear, hurt or anger, often ridicules and criticizes. This is one of the worst things you can do
when your partner comes to you. The fact they have come to you deserves credit for it means they want  you to embark on this journey  with them.

Communication in a relationship is ideally open to anything.  In an ideal world as a couple you share your hopes, dreams, wants and needs without the fear of rejection or criticism. If your partner has the courage to come to you, thereby sharing this part of themselves, then step back and look at it objectively and rationally. After all, reacting emotionally will only close the door to their inner soul and heart.  Look at this new realization as a time of discovery and growth for the two of you as a couple.

Yes, you have a right to refuse to do this, but please consider what you will do in doing so. In 18 years within the Swing community I have brought many couples into the Lifestyle. Most I have taken under my wing have succeed, a few have failed. Those who dug in their heals and refused to even explore the possibly and made there spouse feel like a 'freak' in the end were responsible for the beginnings of a relationship down ward spiral. In essence by closing your mind from day one you created (brought on) the thing you feared most. Women often fear that just because your partner wants to try this, they will meet someone and leave you. NOT true I have found, unless you make it true. Experienced swingers as a rule will not involve themselves with couples who have unresolved issues.  Many of us who have been in the "Lifestyle" a long time can spot a couple with "relationship issues" a mile away and for the most part will avoid serious involvement with you.

I've given you a lot to think about in this first part. Whether or not you feel this journey is for you, at the very least keep the heart and lines of communication open.

"A love in which one risks nothing...     Is worth nothing."

     ~ Magic ~